There comes a time in life when you should draw a line within the sand and have the braveness of your convictions. The forces that conspire to regulate you’ll all the time try to take action within the identify of “security,” however to appease them is to give up your very humanity. Put on a helmet, put on physique armor…the place the hell does it finish???
I have to say it is a gorgeous about-face for a person who previous to this was biking shirtless:
Clearly he was taking a web page out of Mario Cipollini’s e-book, which is tough to do for the reason that pages are all the time caught collectively:
But now he’s exhorting us to put on elbow and hip pads like hapless Rollerbladers:
So what occurred?
Nicely, because it seems, he wasn’t holding the handlebars correctly:
So like most gratuitous security recommendation, the notion that it is best to put on physique armor on a motorcycle relies on the concept you’re an fool, like requiring individuals to make use of private flotation units within the lavatory as a result of they’ll’t be bothered to examine that the bathroom seat is down. However, the truth that he’s solely now studying how handlebars work would clarify his prior spills, just like the one in 2016 that impressed him to name for facial safety:
[Branson displaying the opposable thumbs he’s only just now figured out how to use.]
Extremely it will be eight extra years and one other crash earlier than he realized that it is best to truly wrap your fingers across the grips. One can solely think about the challenges he should have confronted when making an attempt masturbation as a youth. Now that he’s had this new breakthrough it’s completely attainable we received’t be listening to for him for not less than a number of months.
However the true blame right here lies on the coach:
[I’m assuming that’s the trainer, unless it’s just someone really jazzed to be in close proximity to Branson’s crotch.]
As a substitute of telling Branson to put on physique armor, maybe she ought to put him on a extra acceptable bicycle–one thing extra slack and upright and with extra tire quantity. The answer to nearly each downside dealing with the getting old bicycle owner–crashing, discomfort, wanting ridiculous–is kind of easy: get a Jones or a Rivendell. It’s vital to develop outdated gracefully as a bicycle owner, and I’d be completely satisfied to supply my providers to Branson as an “age marketing consultant.” No, I received’t level at his crotch for his Instagram, however I’ll set him up on a motorcycle that may enable him to experience with out physique armor so he can return to his shirtless methods. I’ll even assist him along with his subsequent customized bike:
Trek might have made him his final one:
However simply think about a customized Area Rivendell with a galaxy-themed Joe Bell paintjob and a waxed canvas bag stuffed with astronaut meals:
Anyway, adapt your bike to your physique and never the opposite method round is all I’m saying. Security’s one factor, but when your helmet is slowly taking up your whole physique you might be ignoring the plain.
And, you realize, use your thumbs.
