Connecting The Dots

We right here at Tan Tenovo’s Contrarian Font of Velocipedal Bloviation are enormous supporters of ultra-mega endurance racing:

And so the complete employees–that’s me, Antonio the Helper Monkey (Vito’s successor and third cousin), and Trek Bicycle Company President and CEO John Burke–want to congratulate what’s-his-name, winner of that massive factor they do, who accomplished the whatever-it-is in document time:

The truth is, he beat the earlier document time by over a day:

Hats off to Victor Bosoni, who simply completed the 2026 Tour Divide in record-breaking time! Using with exceptional pace, self-discipline, and composure from Banff to Antelope Wells, the younger French ultracyclist accomplished the route in simply 11 days, 8 hours, and 27 minutes, greater than a day and a half sooner than the official earlier males’s document. From his recovery-first method to his meticulously dialed setup, Bosoni delivered probably the most spectacular performances within the historical past of the race.

I’m additionally pretty certain that when the above article went to press, Laurens Ten Dam was in second place, nonetheless out using, and a full day away from ending. Now, I notice most individuals will conclude from all this that Victor Bosoni is absolutely quick and deserves an enormous quantity of respect, however all it means to me is that these “races” are too lengthy. Sorry, margins of victory shouldn’t be measured in days. The place’s the suspense!?! It’s just like the Olympic Disguise And Search, however even that resulted in a tie:

Oh, and right here’s a screenshot of the motion:

Thrilling.

Following these items is like refreshing the UPS web site once I’m ready for a brand new bike, however at the least with that I truly get one thing on the finish:

Additionally, should you’re tempted to level out that the Tour Divide takes a lot much less time to finish than the Tour de France, the essential distinction is that with the latter there’s a radical accounting on the finish of every day and a ceremony, which at the least provides you a cause to verify again in and see what occurred. However 11 straight days of biking is just too lengthy, and there’s no manner I’m following that. If somebody units out on a motorbike within the morning and so they’re not again by the tip of the day then so far as I’m involved they’ve ceased to exist and it’s time to maneuver on with my life.

Or, to place it one other manner, any biking occasion wherein the members carry toothbrushes on them whereas they journey shouldn’t depend as a motorbike race:

(At the least I hope they brush their enamel…)

Technically that’s referred to as a “trip.” And that doesn’t take away from the arduous nature of the occasion, both, since there’s no legislation that holidays must be enjoyable.

And should you suppose my disdain for aggressive ultra-endurance biking means I help laid-back “alt” biking, properly that’s the place you’re unsuitable:

Look, they’re making an attempt too arduous, then there’s not making an attempt arduous sufficient. Generally it looks as if everybody’s both turning themselves inside out on some pointlessly grueling gravel journey, or else aggressively making an attempt to out-slow one another on what till not too long ago we used to name “hybrids.”

It’s like a classic Univega catalog come to life!

However I notice in fact that every one of that is simply the tedious grousing of an ageing roadie whose formative biking years had been spent on aggressive group rides the place no one talked and should you received dropped you’d wind up alone and confused, 50 miles from residence someplace within the neighborhood of the Westchester County Airport. Why I adopted that path as an alternative of falling in with a bunch of collegial individuals who rode slowly, carried satchels, and stopped to fish I’ll by no means actually perceive. I’ve by no means considered myself as aggressive–in all probability as a result of I’ve by no means truly come near profitable something–however I suppose like so many different aggressive folks in denial who suck I’ve sublimated this aggressive intuition into the ridicule of others.

Really, that’s not completely true, as a result of I did win a big BMX trophy someday in the course of the Reagan administration:

I swear I by no means cry myself to sleep with it.

Talking of crying, I can guarantee you these aren’t tears of despair, they’re tears of laughter:

Listed here are some phrases strung collectively in a sure order that convey completely no which means in any respect:

“The bicycle transforms probably the most profitable racing types ever created into a rare expression of each innovation and savoir-faire,” Pinarello stated in an announcement, “Representing the final word assembly level between elite sport and high-end luxurious.

As for the article, they actually buried the lede, as a result of the true story is that FANTASTIC Vuitton skinsuit: